For the first time in a while, I’ve been able to be in my own space for an extended period of time (a month). Because of this, I’ve been able to reflect a little bit deeper on the past few months and how I’ve really been feeling. I also just marked my third month of going to weekly therapy sessions that aren’t just for grief therapy which was very exciting.
This past week has been the best I’ve felt in a while. The main feeling I keep reflecting on is my regained sense of confidence and “personality”. At the end of college I really thought I had figured everything out. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted. I felt confident about my personality and felt settled in it. Just a couple months later, my life flipped pretty much upside down with my dad suddenly passing away. After his passing, I truly felt like I completely lost my sense of self. I was living day to day and just trying to survive.
My goal this year was to try a lot of different things and try to regain my sense of “personality”. Over the past few years, I doubt anyone would’ve thought that I had no “personality”. I don’t think there was an active external change in how I operated on an interpersonal level. However, on the inside I felt like I knew so little about the world around me and myself.
Although I haven’t figured everything out, for the first time in a while I do feel like I have a much stronger sense of personality and sense of self. It’s a hard feeling to explain but I feel so much more confident in my opinions and my gut feelings. I also feel like I have changed and outgrown certain things. I am continuing to learn more about myself, and I imagine it will be like this for the rest of my life.
As someone who grew up being a people pleaser (I still am a people pleaser), I am unlearning some of these very deeply ingrained habits. It is so uncomfortable sometimes to do things just for yourself. It is something I am continuing to learn but it is so exciting to be able to stand up for myself and my own opinions and not have to worry about lots of other people and what they may think.
Aside from people pleasing, a large part of my personality over the past few years was my grief, and it still is! It has been really interesting figuring out how my personality has changed with this addition of grief. Grief is also ever-changing and as I drift further from the time of my dad’s passing, I struggle to figure out how much of my personality revolves around my grief and how much doesn’t. Do I see myself as a young person who lost her father really suddenly? Or do I see myself as something more than that? There have been a lot of interesting questions I’ve had to think about. Most of it ends up being me answering these questions with what feels right at that moment in time which is harder said than done. It is also learning to accept that everything is constantly changing and it is ok to change your opinions or thoughts, especially about yourself.
With all of this said, more than ever I feel confident in my own sense of self. It is exciting and I contribute a lot of it to therapy, reading, trying new things, and most of all, surrounding myself with people who are supportive. I also contribute a lot of it to New York City. I feel like moving to a big city really forced me to get out of my comfort zone. New York also has easy access to try lots of different things like ceramics classes and volunteering and workout classes. I cannot stress enough how important it is to surround yourself with people who are supportive of you and are willing to listen to your opinions. I feel like I have outgrown people and mindsets over these past few years. It has been uncomfortable at times but I think it is better that I am continuing to surround myself with people who may not necessarily share the same opinions as me but are willing to listen. I also want to be someone other people can grow with! We are all constantly changing and learning to accept other people’s change is something I am continuing to work on.
This has been a very long winded ramble. I appreciate everyone reading this. Thank you for continuing to follow me on my journey and supporting me through it all.
❤ Rucha
