Post-Death Relationships

keeping in touch with your loved ones after they are gone

~ written in feb 2025

After my dad died, I read a lot about grief and how relationships with your loved ones persist even after they die. It’s hard to explain but even if the person is no longer physically here, you have a relationship with them in your head. I thought a lot about this right after my dad died. How was I going to maintain a relationship with my dad? How could I do this? What did this mean? Honestly, it is something I’ve struggled with for a while. In my grief group, people talk about how they watch their person’s favorite movie, or write a letter to their person when they are missing them. I’ve tried all of these things, and they don’t come naturally to me. It’s something that has made me feel lonely and like I’m not doing enough for my dad.

Part of my internal dialogue wonders why I even care about this? But it does matter, I do care. I want to continue my relationship with my dad. I’m writing about this because my dad’s birthday is coming up and I have always struggled a lot on that day. Intense feelings of guilt and longing for a simple conversation come bubbling to the top on that day. I’ve created plans, not created plans, created plans and changed plans on that day, but nothing seems to make me feel better. And to be honest, that’s ok too. Feeling like shit on my dad’s birthday makes sense, but a large part of me wants to reclaim that day to honor him.

After someone dies, I think we tend to idolize that person. I don’t think it’s something we do on purpose, it just sort of happens. Part of my journey for figuring out my relationship with my dad after he died involved looking back at our actual relationship while he was alive.

Our relationship was complicated, but it wasn’t filled with a lot of words. We fought, disagreed, but we also laughed a lot. We spent a lot of time in silence, but in each other’s presence, which is how we liked to show our love. He gave me so much advice related to my career, welcome or not welcome. My 16 year old self would be shocked to hear that I miss his unsolicited career advice.

We did not have an emotional relationship where I told him about my feelings. We didn’t even talk a lot. The time we spent together was mostly eating, traveling to a new place or in the car together listening to the radio. A lot of the grief tools we have involve words, but what are you supposed to do when your relationship wasn’t based around words?

This is the core reality of what I have had to come to terms with. Learning to continue my relationship with my dad in the absence of words. This year, for his birthday, I am going to spend some quiet time with my dad. I want to listen to his favorite music and eat some food in silence, imagining he is there with me. We don’t have to talk, I don’t have to write any words, he can just be there with me.